Red Wine told you so…..

On a recent 8hour flight I came across a gentleman in his twenties who seemed to really be taking advantage of our selection of red wines that we have on board. Ten minutes after his first small bottle he requested another. He quickly finished this and followed it with another ten minutes later, and so this continued for the next hour or so. I watched him drag himself up from his seat falling over his own feet as he did so and tumble towards the lavatory. He stared hungrily at every woman under the age of 50years with uncomfortable lust, … Continue reading Red Wine told you so…..

Female Captain

Today I received a round of applause from a group of passengers listening to this conversation. Male Passenger: Excuse me , is that a FEMALE Captain that made the PA? (Sounding utterly disgusted) Me: Yes, it is. we find that we tend to arrive earlier with female captains. Male Passenger: (extremely loudly) Oh do they get priority then? Probably because they can’t park the plane. *chuckle chuckle* Me: No Sir, they ask for directions! And……. Queue the applause! Continue reading Female Captain

What’s the difference between God and a Captain?

There is an old joke…… What is the difference between God and a Captain? God doesn’t think he’s a Captain After years of flying I can certainly see where this joke comes from. Ok…………. So I don’t fully believe that my Captain thinks that he’s god. Maybe just a uniformed version of Surya, the Hindi Sun God. The Golden Warrior arriving on a chariot pulled by seven white horses. Or in my case a tanned dweeb arriving in a huge metal dildo guided by four huge engines. Switching religions I would like to draw your attention to the Catholic tradition … Continue reading What’s the difference between God and a Captain?

Seat Etiquette

Ok, so travelling amongst other (mainly) human beings can be a little difficult, especially in economy when your knees are firmly lodged in your nostrils. So in order, to promote harmony amongst passengers I have put together some seat etiquette rules to help you on your travels. Getting on the Plane: Offense: That humungous bag on your shoulder is hitting every passenger in the face as walk past on the way to your seat. What to do if you are the offender? Remove your bag before you give someone a black eye, dumbass! What to do if you are the … Continue reading Seat Etiquette

Golden Shower

One of the most important lessons that a young Hostess learns, and usually in a rather grotesque way, is to never accept what a passenger is handing to you without questioning what it is first. In my years, flying human beings have tried to hand me many a disgusting item including hand towels in which they have used to wipe their ass with, dirty diapers, bloodied tissues and false teeth (yes, I kid you not, false teeth!) However…… today I flew with a young and eager Hostess who had not learnt this lesson as of yet. As the plane was pushing back and getting ready to … Continue reading Golden Shower

Welcome On Board PA translated

Good Morning! Ladies and Gentlemen. Good Morning to all of you that have boarded our plane. ¬†Even the family with the screaming, teething 8month old. The majority of you look like normal, well-adjusted individuals except for the strange guy who now has his hand in his pants staring at my buxom colleague. Welcome onboard this flight to Sydney, Australia. Especially that gorgeous hunk of man meat seated at 17D. Please let me know if you need your seatbelt adjusting, I am here to pleasure you. My name is Sue and I am your purser on board today. In other words, … Continue reading Welcome On Board PA translated