Seat Etiquette

Ok, so travelling amongst other (mainly) human beings can be a little difficult, especially in economy when your knees are firmly lodged in your nostrils. So in order, to promote harmony amongst passengers I have put together some seat etiquette rules to help you on your travels.

Getting on the Plane:

  • Offense: That humungous bag on your shoulder is hitting every passenger in the face as walk past on the way to your seat.
    • What to do if you are the offender?
      Remove your bag before you give someone a black eye, dumbass!
    • What to do if you are the offended?
      Stick your leg into the aisle in front of the moron just before he reaches you and bask in the applause of those battered before you.

Overhead etiquette:

  • Offense: Your ticket says that you are seated in Row 34 however, you decide to put your bag in the overhead compartment of Row17
    • What to do if you are the offender?
      How fucking heavy is your bag that you cannot carry it to your seat? Take it to your own seat instead of pissing off the person that is booked into that seat.
    • What to do if you are the offended?
      Let me know! One threat to have unaccompanied bags removed from the aircraft and destroyed always gets them to claim their bags pretty quickly.
      NB: In the era of checked bag fees, carry-on space is at a premium. If you have two carry-on bags, keep the smaller one at your feet.

Seat Allocation:

  • The offense: Seriously, your seat number is on your ticket, you know it is and where it is.
    • What to do if you are the offender?
      Don’t just sit where ever you want and then expect us to have to come and act as a referee when you and the person sitting in that seat starts a full on slanging match in the middle of the aircraft because you’re a douche!
    • What to do if you are the offended?
      Seriously, you are a grown adult. Please don’t come whining to me like a child telling tales to a teacher! Get some balls!
      NB: Also, if you are the offender don’t you dare get angry with the original seat bearer for deciding to keep their original seat!

Arm Rests:

  • The offense: The huge smelly, fat man beside you is dominating your arm rest
    • What to do if you are the offender?
      If there are three seats in your row then the rule is the window seat gets the wall and one arm rest, the middle seat gets two arm rests and the aisle seat gets one arm rest and some extra leg room.
    • What to do if you are the offended?
      Continuously pick your nose with that hand, and shout out “Finger-Licking-Good!” when the horrified man mammal beside you looks on in horror!
      NB: This link is taken from my new favourite show:
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okpOoWfmnZI

Smelly feet:

  • The offense: Ok, guys this is a serious issue.  We appreciate the fact that if the aircraft runs out of fuel then we can use your repellent foot odour to power us to the next available airport.
    • What to do if you are the offender?
      Have a shower before you get on the plane, use odour-eaters if you have to or keep those dogs locked away
    • What to do if you are the offended?
      There is no way of putting this politely so I know you will ask me to diplomatically explain to the disgust besides you that his feet smell like Big Birds running shoe after running the New York Marathon……….. in 1967!!!

Packed-Away Passenger:

  • The offense: We’ve all been there!  Delighted we got the window seat however, the two passengers beside you are fast asleep and your bladder can no longer take the torture of with-holding the call of nature.
    • What to do if you are the offender?
      Unfortunately, you will just have to politely wake them up and explain the predicament. Please do it politely.
    • What to do if you are the offended?
      Please do not get annoyed at this poor human soul.  It could be you on your next flight.
    • True Story:  A Cabin Crew friend of mine had to separate a male and female passenger on a night flight as the female passenger was screaming “RAPE’ in the cabin and beating the male passenger with her neck cushion.  It turns out that the gentleman had been sitting at the window seat for 2 hours and could no longer resist the urge to go to the bathroom however; he did not want to wake this female passenger beside him.  So he decided to try and climb over her.  She awoke to a stranger straddling her in complete shock and panicked.

Seat in the upright position:

  • There are two types of seat-back-offenders
    • The guy with his seat back and refuses to put it forward whilst the passenger behind enjoys our culinary experience
    • The guy who will complain about those in front who has his seat back, even though he himself has his seat fully reclined.
    • What to do if you are the offended?
      Ah ffs, just get over it Children! I have a layover party to plan.
    • True Story: I recently had a passenger complain that the male passenger behind her was hitting her seat every time she reclined. Now as this lady had been a bit of a drama queen from the beginning of the flight so I didn’t believe that the so-far-lovely gentleman could be capable of such anger so I moved him to another seat. 15minutes later the lady that was sitting in front of the gentleman’s new seat then complained that he was hitting the back of her seat. Seriously, how is this thought to be acceptable in any culture?

dreaded middle seat

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4 thoughts on “Seat Etiquette

  1. My weirdest fellow-passenger experience? I was flying from San Francisco to Mexico City right before Christmas. I was seated next to an older Mexican gentleman. Around midnight I fell asleep- facing straight ahead but with my chin just sort of falling downwards. A little while later I awoke to a gust of hot air hitting my face. My head snapped up and my eyes opened, only to find the man next to me had UNBUTTONED his jeans and pulled the waistband of his underwear out so that he could pass gas freely, and the resulting gust of “wind” had blown into my face and awakened me. Previously, I would not have thought that was even possible. IT IS. I was so disturbed that I didn’t know what to do- I just got up, went to the washroom, splashed some water on my face and sat back down, pretending it had never happened. Any tips for The Flatulating Flightmate?

  2. Press the call ball, when the crew member shows up explain in your loudest voice what the fart monster beside you has just done for the rest of the aircraft to hear

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