Good Morning! Ladies and Gentlemen.
Good Morning to all of you that have boarded our plane. Even the family with the screaming, teething 8month old. The majority of you look like normal, well-adjusted individuals except for the strange guy who now has his hand in his pants staring at my buxom colleague.
Welcome onboard this flight to Sydney, Australia.
Especially that gorgeous hunk of man meat seated at 17D. Please let me know if you need your seatbelt adjusting, I am here to pleasure you.
My name is Sue and I am your purser on board today.
In other words, I am the queen Bitch today, do not act like a princess on my plane. I outrank you!
Your cabin crew are here primarily to ensure your safety.
Ok, this one is true, but bitch pur-lease!!! We don’t want the hassle of administering first aid, none of us like having to clean up blood because your bag was not secured. Plus…….My safety is more important than yours so do not push your luck!
We are sorry for the delay in our departure.
We really are! For two reasons: 1. We have been delayed as passengers before too, we knows it a pain in the arse! 2. Also we don’t get paid until that huge metal dildo we’re all in moves and we still checked in for work three hours prior to the original departure time, so trust me when I say ‘I’m sorry’
Please fasten your seat belt Duh! and refrain from smoking.
Don’t even think about sparking up unless you want to be mistaken as a shooting star. I have a fire extinguisher and I am not afraid to use it! If I have to last 14hours without a cigarette, so do you! Slap on a nicotine patch.
From captain Jackson and the crew, it is our pleasure to serve you today.
It is a pleasure to serve all you nice passengers trust me! I love you all and the weirder the better! However, I don’t know why the Captain is saying he enjoys serving you, he’s just sitting on his arse whilst he drinks coffee. The only thing he knows about service is the servicing that he’received from Flight Deck Floozy during our stopover.
If there is anything we can do to make your flight more enjoyable, please let us know. Thank you.
Press that call bell and I will kill you! (Except for the hunk at 17D, you can push my bell anytime you want Sir)
Enjoy your flight with CCS Airlines!
Tune in next week for CCS In-Flight Safety Demonstration……